HOGWATCH: A CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE
FROM
SampsonJustice.com
HoleHog is an inter-dimensional entity which assumes the Earthly presence of
a rock and roll band. They are known for driving, hypnotic beats, cryptic
lyrics, and guitar riffs which invoke a pre-Cambrian form of hysteria in
listeners. The truth is that their songs are in fact invocations of an
extremely ancient form of Venusian mind control, and part of a grand conspiracy
to control the supply and distribution of the galaxy's urinal cakes, beer, and
selected television programs, among many other useful and sinister things.
THE TRUTH ABOUT HOLEHOG:
FACTS:
- Though HoleHog calls itself a rock and roll band, they don't actually
rock, they in fact, rawk, which is a completely different thing
from rocking.
(And, once again, is an ancient form of Venusian mind control.)
- Vocalist Krustine Broodkeeper is a notorious con artist, having leveraged
her husband's position with the Minneapolis transit authorities to gain
municipal contracts to build a train system constructed entirely of cat fur
and used Q-tips.
- Guitarist Bucky Real is the High Priest of
HoleHog's sinister religion. He often seems to ramble incomprehensibly
for hours at a time about nonsensical scientific and technological theorems.
In fact, he is speaking quite articulately of metaphysical formulae pilfered
directly from the Old Ones.
- Drummer/Vocalist and HoleHog Supreme Commander
Joe M. Lye is known for constantly mainlining a precise mixture of Benadryl,
Imodium, and pork fat, often rendering him too aggressive and incoherent to maintain his human
form. Lye was also solely responsible for Hurricane Katrina, having
held a seething contempt for the Gulf of Mexico for several thousand years.
- Bassist Skippy, to be fair, is an
all-around great guy despite his involvement in HoleHog's galactic conspiracy.
He has very good manners, and
we must admit, a striking physical stature.
- Though HoleHog claims to be "The Oldest Living Band in Rock and Roll",
carbon dating proves that Sampson Justice emerged from the primordial ooze
several microseconds prior to HoleHog.
SampsonJustice.com will continue to monitor this
dangerous and malevolent entity. Please, for your own safety and the fate of your loved ones' immortal souls, continue to monitor this webpage for Hog Alerts, and keep your
eyes on www.HoleHog.org.
If you have any information which will help protect
civilization from HoleHog, please . . . do not hesitate to contact us at
HogWatch@sampsonjustice.com